The violent death of a family member is devastating to all the members of the family. It takes years to get your life back to a manageable place. Trust is one of the biggest things that gets lost in a violent death of a loved one.
- Your mother is saying she doesn’t trust the world anymore. She views the world as cruel and evil now. It is weighing her down, and she is probably wishing that she was dead right now.
- She is also saying that the love she received as an infant and child is not enough to carry her through this grief. When she is grieving she doesn’t have enough warm memories of her mother or father or grandmother comforting her.
- view her as a bereft hopeless child. What would you do if a neighbor child felt totally unloved and hopeless? How would you comfort that child?
- In addition, I would say to her: “I want to go out to eat with you to a special place that you choose. I want to have mother/child time with you.” What that says to her is that she has a child who is alive right now, who wants to love her.
- I would also phrase the grief for her: “You loved my brother for years. He knows that, wherever he is now. He knows you love him.” (This helps her focus on continuing to love him, instead of being devastated he is gone.) “Let’s go put flowers on his grave.” (or wherever the ashes were scattered, etc) Give her something concrete and beautiful to do that helps her focus her grief: Flowers on a grave, plant a tree in his honor, give a small scholarship to a needy boy who struggles with the same handicaps your brother struggles with, etc.
Be patient with her. View her as a hopeless child right now.